It's only Tuesday and it's 1:50am and I'm not sure what I rather do sleep or write and I will always pick writing. Now, now I need to say I'm confused. You ask why and I will laugh my ass off. Simply because I never write like this and I have never written this late at night or what most of you would like to call it morning. Why all of a sudden am I writing with no absoulute passion or joy or even emotion? It's because it only took me a day to figure out that what my mom wants to see me as is a girl who is "normal" many people know "normal" is so over rated but it's what people want to see and I'm not what they call "normal" and I would change my clothes, my hair and my life to have my mom love me the same way she did before I got like this or how I suddendly transformed. I thought what great friends were doing for me was so right, but the only thing that is so right is what I judge is right or wrong and from this moment on... I'm who my mom wants me to be. I don't care how everyone else sees me or judges me or whatever it may be. I'm here on this planet because of my mom so I will do everything in my will to please my mom or for her to be proud to have had me. I know, You people are thinking wtf? I changed and it took me over 4 months to become this person and now I want to run back and become the same person I was and that answer is Yes! That's exactly what I want to do! everyone keeps saying be who you want to be. The only way for me to be who I want to be is if my parents approve of me and accept me and stop nagging me about how everyone is right about what they say I'm going to be like. I never usually use the word "hate" but the only people I truly "hate" are the people around me who are suppose to love me say "you're going to be the rebel child in the family, you're going to get tattoo's and piercings and do drugs" that's not the way they put it, but that everything they truly meant.
How come I'm putting it here and not in person to my mother is because she has told us her whole life not to be afraid of her whether it was doing something bad or not telling the truth. She wanted us to trust her no matter how mad she would get but not to be afriad or her. I always was scared of her because she gets angry and fusterated with me times and times again and I continue to be her living hell even though I have tried and tried and just can't seem to suceed. So, She wanted me to say something so I did in the best way a writer can.. in her words. I'm not great at keeping promises. Almost as good as a five year old is trying to keep a secret. I'm very good at being a snappy b**** you can fill in the blanks. Almost as good as McCallum is! and what I continue to fail at is pleasing my mom. I have told her I've tried but she still may not see it or is busy with my other siblings that I look up to and only wish I could be half of what they are.
this isn't a way of getting anyones attention or that I'm trying to have a sob story. That's definetly not it. I know the things I've done are dissapointing and full of stress and what this truly is, it's a way of me trying to say with all my heart is that Mom: I'm truly, truly sorry for all the stress I have put you through and all the hard times that I have made you deal with, but mostly I'm sorry I'm not the greatest child you could have had, but I do truly wish I was. I just want you to look me in the eyes and say your proud of me. I want to be the child who turns every bad sistuation into a good one and finally I want to be the one girl who proves everyone who I have hated my whole life. WRONG!
I love you Mom and I always will. I don't know how to put it any other way, but I'm truly dissapointed I would let you go through all of this just because i'm trying to be someone besides me.
I haven't given up and I won't until the battle is done and I won!
- Paige Carloni
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