Image in the mirror

        Everyday I see pretty faces, fake smiles and a lot of hurting hearts. I don't need to see the scars on your wrists or the tears rolling down your face to see that us as teens hurt. We go through pain everyday, yet we continue to believe we are alone in a world full of people just trying so hard to find happiness in the littlest of places. We try and try so hard to find a way out of a hole we dug ourselves into. So many teenagers are sad and having panic attacks in their rooms while their parents are watching tv, and how a lot of teenagers had have relatively normal childhoods yet there's this huge boom of depression and ED's and mental disorders and its dumb we turned into a generation labelled as "reckless" but really we are only reckless with ourselves. 

       We never see ourselves at our full potential when we are at our most beautiful moments, when we are slowly falling asleep, curled up in a ball, or when we are laughing with our friends or slowly staring into space. We don't see our own beauty, some people do, but don't you hate it when someone makes a joke about you, about something that you are incredibly insecure about and they don't realize it, but every laugh feels like a stab in your chest, not because you deserved it, but because in that moment you never truly knew how much words could hurt, so you brush it off and let it go and pretend that you never heard a thing. 

Someone asked me today why am I so nice to people who treat me so badly, and I didn't know the answer. Then during class, I looked around after finishing my test and realized why. I looked at the guy who made fun of me for not having a good grade in math, and his head was on the desk and he looked tired. I wondered maybe he had something going on at home keeping him up at night. I looked at the girl who returned my hello's by flipping her hair and twirling her gum around her finger, I know her and her boyfriend broke up, and wondered how hard it is to having to always please people and I know she only acted dumb in class so people would like her. And I thought about the jock in gym class who made fun of me because I wasn't as good as him, he squinted at his paper with a confused face. It must be a lot of work always having practices and games and also trying to study hard and keep your grades up so you can go to a good college. And then there was also the girl who everyone thought was a bitch, but little did she know I saw the scars on her wrists, and also the girl always reading, I wondered what she got from reading all those books or if she's running from something. There's this guy who wears the same shirt and he always wear his shoes that has lots of holes in them because when it rains he complains about having wet socks, and if his parents work hard for him or if they drink a lot. Even the teacher I noticed wasn't wearing her ring today. Maybe she is giving us lots of homework because she wants us to do better then she ever did. The point is, I look at all these people and realize that they have their own troubles and their own demons, and the last thing I want to do is add to them. It's a lot of pressure growing up, and no matter what anyone says none of us have it easy.

       Truth is I think the saddest of people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that. 

The Journey

It's been a long journey since the last time I stopped in and feel into deep thought. I needed my time to stop and think to my self and let everything sink in and roll by. I lost track of time and left some old friends in the mist. I needed to come back to reality where I was blissful, fun loving and unstoppable. I admire my emotion right now for the fact that I am tired but wide awake, that I am nor sad but happy and that I am all in all relaxed. I have been good, school has been amazing with all my new friends and having some great teachers.

I'm surprised for the fact that Halloween is right around the corner and that everyone is buying thier Halloween costums and setting up the lights on there houses and blowing up the scary monsters once again. I can't go trick or treating this year because I have a hockey game against the Saints. I wasen't planning on dressign up Halloween has never been my scene.

There's not much to say but in a way I'm wanting to tell you everything. My kitten Johnny is a pound and is a bulky, courageous little boy with tons of hip in his step. he's moving quickly and growing up a little each day.

For today this is all. I'll talk to you later when I have a little more to say!

Goodnight!

- Paige Carloni

Winnipeg Mornings

First time waking up at 5:53 am please do give me around of applause. I've been wasting all my years sleeping in while I should have been sitting outside enjoying all the great things nature has to offer. The beautiful birds singing, watching the moon go down and the sun come up. It's so magical really. The sunrise is crazy it's pink and blue and the clouds look like they swiftly blew in. The moon looks like its sitting there awkwardly wishing it could just disappear in the moment. The moments set great it looks almost as good as a movie but then you got the yellow grass to look at and all the dead trees waiting for more water, a broken fence of brown and white but that's the city's fault that I have to stare at that.

My dad bought a new cube van! Yay. Let's add to the collection of 6 vehicles. Noisy neuighbors, Maybe that's why there always mad. We're taking up all there parking places. Oops. Can't blame me I don't drive!

I woke Zoe up from a deep sleep to sit out here with me hopefully she doesn't stay mad at me she looks like a zombie dog. She has that evil little glare that she has and is pointing it square at me. I didn't want to be alone jeez.

So it's now 6:12 and I feel good not to tired not to awake. I love the early morning burglars I was sitting outside for at least 7 good minutes and was enjoying the peaceful silence and then here comes two punks riding on a bike pulling on the handles of the vehicles to see if there's any electronics so at this point I got scared there were like 40 feet away from me do I run inside and one yells at me that little fu**er. He said it wasent me. After they left I came back outside and decided I would sit out here again and all of a sudden I hear two car alarms go off. I'm like yea it's called getting a job!

Funny right? No. That's what I get for waking up early and trying to enjoy something. I get freaked out and it doesn't help that I already have issues with that stuff.

The moon I think finally disappeared and the sun is finally half shining.

It's a beautiful morning and going to be all in all a great day!

- Paige Carloni

True story everyone!

Words from the Wise

No one said that you had to be wise by carrying around a big book and a briefcase. I guess they also didn't tell you they would yell names at you if you did. They forgot to mention that your not always good at what you love and that some things you really suck at. I've falling into my writing, but I'm not necassarily getting better at it or that it was been well thought out writing. I couldn't say that everything I do I do it big or great or even well at this point. Who judges?

They missed saying to us that things don't always work out as planned. ok. I get that, but what now? Who tells me where I go from here? Or how I'm suppose to do better next time?

All these lessons are being taught and hopefully learnt, but how do you know they are being learnt if your kid is out on the streets at 1:00 am and your leaning on God to help out. well, whose going to be watching your kid. Maybe the guy next to him under age drinking and with dope in his hand.

You never know if we're doing things right or hoping that you taught us well and we fully listened. We miss out on our childhood because we were free of danger and thoughts and all we had to do was play and have fun.

I never asked to be grown up and able to crawl and then walk, then be able to eat normal food, then able to speak, read and write.

I don't know the order these go in but soon enough I'll be married, have a family and have all the responsibilities of an adult and then finally get to watch my children grow up. I couldn't say I could handle all of that, but I know I'll give it my all to do so.

I couldn't imagine the daily meals I would have to make for my family, all the decisions, paying bills, working, driving, sports, food, clothes, a house... The list goes on and on and sure enough all I'm ready for is tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the day I sleep in, wake up, watch t.v., eat, get ready for the day, go to hockey, come back, eat and do it all over again. seems tiring. I'll just sleep on it for a few more days.

I couldn't agree more and say that I'm a procrastinator... See what I did there.

Everything I want to do seems to be pushed back or just to lazy to do it. I wanted to get my room painted I guess that's not happening till I get back in the third week in August!

School's starting soon and as much as I would like to say I'm excited. I'm really, really scared! I don't know what I'm going to wear on the first day, what my day looks like. Let's just put it this way I'm really nervous to be seeing all the people I know and not seeing them for such a long time. There's those old friends you haven't talked to in a while and the cool group and the girls who are just to single that they can't handle not having the attention for 2 minutes. Oh boy, I can't wait!

I'm having such a good day that all I can really say is that "Words from the Wise" you don't always have to be wise to say some words.

Favorite Quote of the day: All food is fit to eat but not all words are fit to speak - haitian

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, She's a party pooper, You can't always fill a mind with knowledge unless you teach them truth, You can't teach an old dog new tricks, His eyes were bigger then his stomach, you are the change you wish to see.

These are all sayings that mean the same things to different people and can change on how you see them. If you see and look close enough everything is perfect with me, sometimes, just sometimes. You have to look a bit deeper and see everything is perfectly fine with me as long as your perfectly fine with tea.

- Paige Carloni

Missing a Special Boy

All  you people out there are thinking aw. I'm thinking not even close! I'm missing my boy. The boy who sent me to the hospital, the boy who made a permanent scar on my face and the boy who broke my leg when I was 4. This boy is my brother Anthony. He's in California soaking in all the sun and enjoying margarita's while hes lying on the beach and staying in a closed gated community! That boy. Am I jealous? Well no kidding! He has been in the states for 21 days and today is the day where I get him  to be all mine again.

He probaly hasen't thought about me. I wouldn't have if I was him, but I know he's taking lots of pictures to show us and he's finally happy to come home after a long, hard, fun journey of his. I never noticed how much I loved him till I knew I wouldn't see him for like 10 days.

Most of siblings love when there family is away and you get a break from them, but Anthony you NEVER get a break from him. He'll probaly end up hugging me so tight he'll break my ribs or some crazy thing he does.

He's going to be so happy to see his girlfriend Chelsea. He missed there one year anniversary. lol! I laugh at that!

Welcome Home Anthony, Welcome Home!

- Paige Carloni

The Best Things in Life

People say the best things in life arn't things. I would have to fully agree because I know people and they are more important to me than anything on this Earth. Some may land me into some trouble, some may dig me out of my own grave. Friends are the ones who don't judge, make you laugh till liquids fly out of Your nose and the ones who are the most loving and supportive people. I come off as sassy, full of attitude and maybe a little shy (I heard you guys laughing at that) but, I'm much, much more then that. I love people, I love dancing and singing and being My own silly self, I have trust issues, I love sweat pants and cozy sweaters and I can be the funniest person you have met... Just give Me some time.

I have a friend now there's two guys who think It's them, sorry Reid not this time. ;P

This friend is so, so funny, He's got the most beautiful eyes and man he can make me mad. We confuse each other all the time (Doesn't help that I'm kind of an idiot) but, We both talk and we have no idea what were saying or what we're getting mad at. One minute we don't like each other and the next second we laugh it off and give that damn we're screwed in the head wink. :P Our conversation make no sense and we still want to talk every minute.

These are the best moments in life! I mean it can't get much better then this right? We could talk for hours and hours just about anything and nothing. Your the guy who doesn't care that I'm incapable of sitting still, that I can't grasp the concept of cleaning and I refuse to be ladylike. Your that someone who realizes that half of the decisions I make are usually ones I regret, and I have the right to overreact  at any given moment. Your that someone who knows how completely insane I am and wouldn't want me any other way!

We're total opposites even though we may not agree with it, but we both keep each other smiling and laughing and cracking the same old lame jokes and those cheesy pick up lines I laugh at because how could You not!

What I'm trying to say is that no matter where we are in the World there's those people and moments we will never forget and always remember. Even if there screwed up or what I would like to call f***ed up we keep living the same old way because that's what we know and learnt and will remember...

Sometimes the best things in life are all things if you look at them clearly <3

- Paige Carloni

To: My Great Friend Rylan for being the funniest guy alive.! :)

Only Tuesdays...

It's only Tuesday and it's 1:50am and I'm not sure what I rather do sleep or write and I will always pick writing. Now, now I need to say I'm confused. You ask why and I will laugh my ass off. Simply because I never write like this and I have never written this late at night or what most of you would like to call it morning. Why all of a sudden am I writing with no absoulute passion or joy or even emotion? It's because it only took me a day to figure out that what my mom wants to see me as is a girl who is "normal" many people know "normal" is so over rated but it's what people want to see and I'm not what they call "normal" and I would change my clothes, my hair and my life to have my mom love me the same way she did before I got like this or how I suddendly transformed. I thought what great friends were doing for me was so right, but the only thing that is so right is what I judge is right or wrong and from this moment on... I'm who my mom wants me to be. I don't care how everyone else sees me or judges me or whatever it may be. I'm here on this planet because of my mom so I will do everything in my will to please my mom or for her to be proud to have had me. I know, You people are thinking wtf? I changed and it took me over 4 months to become this person and now I want to run back and become the same person I was and that answer is Yes! That's exactly what I want to do! everyone keeps saying be who you want to be. The only way for me to be who I want to be is if my parents approve of me and accept me and stop nagging me about how everyone is right about what they say I'm going to be like. I never usually use the word "hate" but the only people I truly "hate" are the people around me who are suppose to love me say "you're going to be the rebel child in the family, you're going to get tattoo's and piercings and do drugs" that's not the way they put it, but that everything they truly meant.

How come I'm putting it here and not in person to my mother is because she has told us her whole life not to be afraid of her whether it was doing something bad or not telling the truth. She wanted us to trust her no matter how mad she would get but not to be afriad or her. I always was scared of her because she gets angry and fusterated with me times and times again and I continue to be her living hell even though I have tried and tried and just can't seem to suceed. So, She wanted me to say something so I did in the best way a writer can.. in her words. I'm not great at keeping promises. Almost as good as a five year old  is trying to keep a secret. I'm very good at being a snappy b**** you can fill in the blanks. Almost as good as McCallum is! and what I continue to fail at is pleasing my mom. I have told her I've tried but she still may not see it or is busy with my other siblings that I look up to and only wish I could be half of what they are.

this isn't a way of getting anyones attention or that I'm trying to have a sob story. That's definetly not it. I know the things I've done are dissapointing and full of stress and what this truly is, it's a way of me trying to say with all my heart is that Mom: I'm truly, truly sorry for all the stress I have put you through and all the hard times that I have made you deal with, but mostly I'm sorry I'm not the greatest child you could have had, but I do truly wish I was. I just want you to look me in the eyes and say your proud of me. I want to be the child who turns every bad sistuation into a good one and finally I want to be the one girl who proves everyone who I have hated my whole life. WRONG!

I love you Mom and I always will. I don't know how to put it any other way, but I'm truly dissapointed I would let you go through all of this just because i'm trying to be someone besides me.

I haven't given up and I won't until the battle is done and I won!

- Paige Carloni